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The Devil’s Used Tampon of a Hotel

Posted by bb on Thursday 28th of June 2007 at 11:09 am;.
Filed Under Rants

On our rescue mission to find the world’s cutest dog, and to visit Mrs bb’s father’s grave for Father’s Day, we were lucky enough to spend some time at The World’s Worst Hotel.

I think it was probably the people who worked there that made it such a shitty experience.

We had a meal in the restaurant when we arrived and there was this GodAwful screeching noise throughout the entire meal. It seemed to be the breakfast cabinet thinggy [please note – this is not the one in question, just a picture of one] which was empty yet still turned on. We asked if there was anyway we could stop this awful noise at which the waitress kindly replied “I don’t think so, it does it all the time”.

I’m sure it fucking does do it all the time you dozy bint, it’s because it is on all the time. Turn it off, piercing noise stops. Simple.

The next morning we came down to breakfast and had a full Welsh breakfast. This is apparently identical to a full English breakfast apart from the fact it doesn’t come with any sauces (tomato, brown etc). When we asked for tomato sauce the restaurant manager looked at us as if we were insane and said “We don’t do tomato sauce here”.

WTF? You are a restaurant. You are serving bacon, sausage, egg, beans, hash brown … and you won’t serve tomato sauce?

To make matters worse, now that the breakfast thinggy had something to cool, it was borderline ecstatic to have work to do and let us know by screeching all through the meal again. Imagine if you will trying to eat when someone is dragging their fingernails down a blackboard all the time 🙁

We had our morning showers (with a shower that went hot/cold/hot/cold and only came out of half of the head) and went about our business for the day. Wisely we ate out at a lovely Indian that evening.

We get back to our hotel room and find that since we were quite a way from the stairs, it was obviously too much effort for the maid to make it all the way down to our room and do anything, so we had no soap, no shampoo etc and the towels were still damp. As it happens, Mrs bb is very tidy so the room didn’t need making up.

We asked at reception for some more soap and shampoo but were told that this was, of course, impossible since they do not replace them when used. God help anyone who stays for longer than a few days and doesn’t bring their own supplies.

The next morning, as we went down to breakfast, you’ll never guess what we saw on a table just outside of the restaurant … a big bowl of tomato ketchup packets (and mayo, mustard etc)!!! The guy in the restaurant couldn’t be arsed to even tell us where to get some – he just flat out lied and said “no, we don’t do it”. We are fit, able bodied indivduals quite able to serve ourselves from the screeching banshee of a breakfast thinggy so would have had no problem fetching it ourselves if that was what was required to obtain some. But no, the lazy cunswup of a manager couldn’t even say “condiments are on the table over there”. You lazy fucking fuck.

It was at that point we had a revelation – the eternal screeching from the breakfast bar was not a noisy fan, nor were the pulses of hot/cold/hot water from the half functioning shower random.

The screeching was the noise of a 1000 tortured souls trying to get something that resembled service in the hotel industry’s equivalent of the ~~Devil’s Asshole~~ Devil’s used tampon. The breakfast bar was really a portal to another dimension! The overwhelming pain of dealing with Beaches Hotel surly staff had become so much that it was leaking through via an eternal screech!

I think the pulsing of the shower was morse code for “You dumb fuck – fancy booking into this hotel – it shall only bring you pain. Leave while you still can”.

And if you think the website looks nice, you’ll notice it only has a couple of images … that’s because the rest of it looks like this :